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ANIMALS: A Vet Visit A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I own you?" "That will be $330." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????" "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan!" Adam and Eve get a Pet Adam and Eve said. "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of aname for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. All We Really Need to Know Comes From Noah's Ark 1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. 2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. 3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done. 4. Build on high ground. 5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 6. Two heads are better than one. 7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. 8. If you can't fight or flee -- float! 9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. 10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat. 11. When IT gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --shovel!!! 12. Stay below deck during the storm. 13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. 14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. 15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside. 16. Don't miss the boat. 17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side. Amorous Emu Fails to Get Her Man MOBILE, Ala. - A 6-foot-tall, 150-pound emu that fell head over heels in love with an Alabama man and stalked him for days was turned loose Thursday on a farm populated by her own species. ''It was mating season and she took a fond liking to him,'' Diane Roberts, director of the Mobile, Alabama, Animal Rescue Foundation, told Reuters. ''He had to ward her off with a boat paddle. She was absolutely intent that this was her mate.'' The giant bird showed up at the home of Ed and Ann Stuardi last month, drinking from a bird bath and eating berries in their yard. They fed it dog food. Last week the emu began following Ed Stuardi around. Then it became aggressive, chasing their cats. Stuardi tried to frighten the bird away by shooting his gun into the air. The emu just stood there, looking at him forlornly. By Monday, it was making noises deep in its throat, a mating call Stuardi failed to recognize as the bird approached him. Shorter than than the bird, he held it off with a boat paddle. Monday night and Tuesday, the Stuardis cowered inside their home. Ann Stuardi called the sheriff to beg for help but was told deputies didn't have the equipment to catch the bird. That's when Animal Rescue Foundation got involved. ''She pursued him. They had been feeding her, and when mating season hit, he almost got it. She had her heart set on this man,'' said Roberts. ''I've never seen an emu hold hostages,'' she said. ''He wasn't aware what the bird wanted, or why she was stalking him. I've never seen one stalk a human with procreation in mind.'' Animal Rescue had been looking for the bird since Aug. 22, when it heard that a man had moved away from the area, abandoning three emus. It took several hours for the rescue team to persuade the bird to get into a horse trailer so it could be taken to a farm that cares for injured wildlife. Roberts said the emu's only injury was a broken heart, and it was released into an area with other emus, including several males. ''Hopefully she will meet another fellow and forget all about Mr. Stuardi. After all, he is a married man,'' Roberts said. Chicken Trivia If a rooster is at the peak of a house and it lays an egg, which side of the roof will the egg roll? It's not going to roll off because roosters don't lay eggs! chicken Why don't chickens wear pants? There's no need, their pecker is on their face. County Zoo There was this guy who was unemployed and he was looking through the want ads in the newspaper. He came across an ad that read: "$100.00/day - City Zoo." He rushed down to the City Zoo and met with the Superintendent of the Zoo. The Superintendent told him all about the job; he said: "Well, you see, our gorilla died, and the kids just loved our gorilla. So what we need you to do is to put on this here Gorilla Suit and act like a gorilla in front of the children." "No problem...I can do that," said the fellow, and he proceeded to put on the Gorilla Suit and entered the gorilla area. Oh he loved it immensely...he was really getting into it for the children. He was swinging back and forth on the rope dangling from one of the trees, and he was going higher and higher, back and forth, and the children kept cheering him on until... *SNAP*. The rope broke and he ended up in the LION'S DEN! He spotted the Lion, and it started moving toward him. So he started backing up slowly, and the Lion just kept moving toward him, so he started moving faster until he was up against the wall and then he started screaming "Heellpp!" Just then the Lion jumped on him and said: "Shut up you fool before you get us all fired"! dancing moths Do you know why moth balls are so small? Because moths don't like to dress up fancy to dance. Dead Bunny August 22, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "goingand going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out. Diary of a Paranoid Cat Monday My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Dumb Animal Joke What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino! Fireman A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter says. "Hey, little partner, what are you doing?" The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck." The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks mister," the boy says. The fire fighterlooks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren." Fun With Cats 1.COMBAT KITTY Stick a piece of masking tape on your cat from the top of his head to the tip of his tail. This will cause him to think he is underneath something. He will crouch low and run around as he tries to escape the clutches of the tape. 2. CYCLONE CAT 3. THE SHAKES 4. KITTY CORRAL 5. HIDE AND SEEK 6. AAAAAAAAGH! WAKE UP! 7. CLEAN KITTY 8. PEPPER PUNISHMENT 9. THE LITTER BOX TRAP 10. REVERSE GEAR 11. LIGHTNING ROD 12. SLIP AND SLIDE 13. KANGAROO KITTY 14. CURIOSTY CAT 15. FOREIGN FECES 16. ICE-SKATING KITTY: Inner Strength If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when something goes wrong, through no fault of yours, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then you are probably a dog. Notice to people who visit my home: 1. The dog lives here. You don't. 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point? 4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog. 5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his. 6. I like him a lot better than I like most people. 7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. 8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups. 9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you...until you're asleep. Penguin So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called AAA, and his car was towedto a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around. Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage. The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag, and shaking his head, saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream!" The Easter bunny. Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anybody to know he's screwing a chicken. The Grasshopper A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. The bartender hands him his drink and stares at him for a little while before saying, "You know, I've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper turns to him in surprise and says, "Really? You have a drink called Murray??" Things I MUST remember as a dog: 1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. 4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. 5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. 6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. 7. I will not throw up in the car. 8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food. 10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. 11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. 13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. 14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. 15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. 16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. 17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps. 18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration. 20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt. 22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath. 23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello. 24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do. 25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head. 26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner. 28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. 29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room. 30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. Toilet Tigger why was tigger lookin in the toilet Because he was lookin for pooh!!!! This page contains 20 of 22 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |
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