Giggle Land

CLINTON:

A COMPLIMENT CAN GO A LONG WAY

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are on top of the world, hitting scads of homeruns and restoring baseball as America's favorite pastime, aside from watching thepresident squirm.

The sluggers deserve all the adulation heaped on them, for they have shown alot ofclass, the type of class we need in the White House.

McGwire is such a great guy that, believe it or not, he even found somethingnice to sayabout his ex-wife. And she smiled so brightly, as though he had just tripledthe alimony.

A compliment certainly goes a long way. And it costs absolutely nothing. Allyou do is open your mouth and say something positive like "Nice smile," "Nice eyes,"or "Nice nose job."

Unfortunately, many of us don't take the time to appreciate the peoplearound us, thepeople who enrich our lives. We're too busy complaining about their faults.

Wife: "Will you ever remember to lower the toilet seat or do I need to glueit down?"

Husband: "Go ahead and glue it down, if annoying me is your aim, but you'llsoon be complaining about my aim."

The world would be a better place if everyone gave at least one complimentevery day.That would produce billions of smiles every year and may even prevent a fewwars.

Bill Clinton: "Saddam, you're messing with the most powerful nation in theworld. If you don't stop making biological weapons, you'll leave us with no choice butto dropO.J. Simpson on you."

Saddam Hussein (through an interpreter): "Bill, good to hear from you. Ijust finishedreading the Starr Report and have made it required reading in our Departmentof Foreign Affairs. You have certainly enjoyed the mother of all affairs. Andeverybody inthe world gets to hear the salacious details! Isn't democracy a wonderfulthing? Your presidency will definitely be remembered. To show you how impressed I am,I'mgoing to immediately send you a box of cigars."

Clinton, smiling: "Thanks, Saddam. And what can I do for you? Can I send youa fewterrorists? We've got a few in our prisons who are doing nothing and one isreally good at mailing bombs. I'm sure he'd be an asset to your incomparableDepartmentof Bombings and Hijackings."

It's easy to compliment people once you start focusing on their goodqualities. Everybody has good qualities, even people who've made huge mistakes:

Clinton, through all his affairs, has proven that he's really good atkeeping his wifefrom killing him. The Secret Service must be working overtime. Forget about Clinton's testimony to the grand jury -- I want to hear his testimony toHillary.

Mike Tyson, the heavyweight boxer, may have a nasty bite, but he also has awaywith words. His vocabulary is so extensive, some of his words aren't even inthe dictionary. Only a fool would challenge him to a game of Scrabble.

Fool: "Mike, there's no such word as sorejaw."

Mike: "Yes, there is, indisputiously. A sorejaw is what I'm about to give toyou."

Of course, your compliments must always be sincere. But you probably alreadyknew that. Especially since you're one of the most intelligent people in theworld.

A Sinking Boat
Carter, Nixon & Clinton are together on a cruise ship that hits an iceberg and starts to sink. Carter runs to the life boats yelling "Women and children first!" Nixon is behind him yelling "Screw the women and children!" And Clinton is behind Nixon asking "do you think we have time?"

Clinton and the Pope die the same day
Clinton and the Pope die the same day.
By mistake, the Pope ends up in Hell; and Clinton in Heaven.

Upon recognition of the mistake, They are sent in the appropriate direction. They happen to meet halfway.

The Pope says to Clinton: Am I ever happy to get out of there; and, am I ever looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary.

Clinton says: Sorry! You're about fifteen minutes too late.

Clinton Forgets to Hit Save on Federal Budget
WASHINGTON, D.C.--In what White House officials are calling "a regrettable and admittedly very frustrating turn of events," President Clinton forgot to hit the "save" key to store the 10 million-word, 175,000-page federal budget on his computer Monday. The simple user error will cost American taxpayers an estimated $300 trillion.

The error, which occurred late at night when no one was around to offer the President much-needed technical assistance, will force the Republican-controlled Congress to re-draft the document from scratch, as well as re-vote on all previously passed budget amendments.

"I feel really bad about this," President Clinton said at a White House briefing yesterday. "I guess I was just really tired."

According to the President's White House advisor, Lynne McMurtry, the President was making minor changes to the only existing draft of the budget at 3:30 a.m. Monday. He had yet to make a floppy disk back-up, and when the screen suddenly opened a window that asked if he wanted to save changes to the document, a confused Clinton made the critical error of accidentally hitting "no." Then, in an unexpected turn of events, his file server showed an error (Type -1) causing his screen to freeze.

"I was moving the mouse to highlight a proposed welfare cut, when all of a sudden, it just stopped moving," Clinton said. "The computer crashed. I really should have hit save a ong time ago."

Added McMurtry: "People make these kinds of mistakes all the time. It is unfortunate that it had to happen to the federal budget. In the future, we will be sure to make a backup copy and keep it on Vice President Gore's computer."

Compounding matters was that retrieval of the lost document became impossible when, out of frustration, Clinton slid his chair back rapidly, pulling the computer's plug out of the wall and shutting off the entire system.

"When I re-booted, there was nothing there," Clinton said. "Nothing. Not even my little yellow 'stickie' reminding me to sign that health care bill next week."

With no one else to turn to, Clinton called Jeff, a long-time friend who is, according to White House reports, "very good with computers." Clinton sent Air Force One to Jeff's Little Rock-area home and had him picked up and airdroped onto the White House roof. The President then led him to the machine and asked him to "fix it."

Since Clinton had already restarted the computer, the unsaved budget was lost forever, despite Jeff's best retrieval efforts.

Jeff, who has a subscription to Ultimate ROM magazine, could not be reached for comment, as he is, according to Clinton, "very shy."

Although the President had been expected to veto the proposed budget, the decision-making process will now be delayed indefinitely until a new budget is written. Republicans did not respond warmly to that prospect.

"Someone has to type the whole thing over," said an angry Bob Dole from his weekend retreat at the Institute for Advanced Cybernetics at the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. "I can assure you of one thing--the Republican Party will not get stuck retyping it."

Clinton, meanwhile, is doing his part to make up for his mistake by agreeing to appear in a series of public service announcements, along with Jennifer Aniston of the smash-hit NBC sitcom Friends, which boldly speak out against forgetting to hit save and other computer-related mishaps.

"I hope these spots will go a long way toward raising Americans' awareness of the user error issue," Clinton said. "I certainly learned a valuable lesson."

Added Aniston: "It's totally 'cool' to hit save. I'm going to tell all my friends about it."

Difference Between English and American People.
John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the differences between English and American people. In reply he said that there were three differences:

1. We speak English and you don't.

2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3. When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

Favorite Instrument
What is Bill Clintons favorite insrument?

A HoreMonica

Lewinsky Limericks
Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in alimerickContestants’ Entries:

Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr’s lap
she confided, when trapped,
“Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky. *

(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with theballetdancer.)

Limerick Contest
This is from a contest in Oxnard, California. One of the requirements was to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.

Here are the 3 winners:

Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

Merry Clinton to you
'Twas the night before Christmas and throughoutthe White House
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
after locking out Mr. Kennedy and the dirty thoughts in his head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,
had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Gingrich and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer,
with a big old leader, all lively and fat;
He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!"
As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came.
Bill recognized them and called them all by name.

"Hey Helms! Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer,
"Screw Health Care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"
When from the chimney, came a blinding black cloud of soot,
and Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their Hidden Agenda of Doom:
"We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"

And they drank, hugged, and danced, they crossed party lines,
and they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
and took turns sitting on the president's lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
while Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-goers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today.
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."

Monica vs Vending Machine
What does Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

They both say please insert bill!

Monica vs Vending Machine
What does Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

They both say please insert bill!

Monica's New Image
Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media's comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, went to a plastic surgeon to remove her love handles

She emerged today with no ears.

Monica's Statement
Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire.....

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today,countered President Clinton's firm denial:

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that iswhen I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, andI know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way Iknow how: head on.

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't afinisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will worknon-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean ofthis dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

"Thank you."

More Clinton Humiliation...
Bill Clinton was walking through the White House one day, wearing a pair of panties on his arm. A Secret Service agent saw him and said, "Hey boss, you're going to get busted again, put those away." to which Mr. Clinton replied, "No, no son; see this is a patch; I'm trying to quit!"

Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video:
Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet

Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist

Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

Slot Machines
What does Monica Lewinski and a slot machine have in common?

They both take bills!

The Night Before Absolutely Nothing

Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.

The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.

When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.

Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!

And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.

With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.

On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.

The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.

And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And White House insiders.

You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!

More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"

"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"

"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."

And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.

We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And - horror of horrors -
He likes to get blown!

A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, ......er, makes love to.

The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!

Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck -
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.

Titanic video/ Clinton video ** Note the similarities!
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO....Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing)

Top Procedures Around the World
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor answered, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks!"

A Russian doctor announced, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, replied, "Ha! We just took two assholes out of Washington, put them in New York, and half the state will either be looking for work, or their silverware, next week!"

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Database last updated 7/7/2006.
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