Giggle Land

DAVID LETTERMAN TOP 10:

Things Monica Lewinsky Can Do To Mend Her Reputation 3/4/99
10. Appear on "E.R." as woman who keeps getting stuff caught in her throat.

9. Hire PR firm that improved Charles Manson's reputation.

8. Rejoin her old band The Go-Gos.

7. Become the U.S. Ambassador to Grabasslavia.

6. Help "straighten out" that Teletubby.

5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee).

4. Break up N'Sync the way Yoko broke up the Beatles.

3. Perform Heimlich Maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp's face.

2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by flashing herthong.

1. Stop the damn smirking.

Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at the Office, but Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5!

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Put it in my box before I leave.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

Top Ten Al Gore Tenant Pet Peeves for June 05, 2000
10. Your request to fix leaky faucet has been sitting in congressionalsubcommittee for eleven years.
9. Tipper's Black Sabbath tribute band constantly rehearsing.
8. Insists security deposit be paid "in hugs."
7. You put Bush sticker on car, mysteriously electricity stops working.
6. Rent's a day late, Janet Reno orders break-in to take checkbook.
5. Endless stories about how he invented the mailbox.
4. Once a week you gotta clear out to make room for Bubba and some stewardesses.
3. Tipper showing up in negligee saying, "There are other ways to pay the rent."
2. Al showing up in negligee saying, "There are other ways to pay the rent."

1. House is always getting egged by George W. Bush.

Top Ten Announcements You're Most Likely To Hear At Woodstock for July 23, 1999

10. "We apologize for the delay--the bizkit is too limp to perform."
9."The first 80 rows are reserved for former Mick Jagger mistressesonly."
8."Stay away from the brown smoothies."
7."Mr. Letterman--we've found your pants."
6."We have a message for a Hillary C. Please leave our stateimmediately."
5."Attention: Paul Simon is not to be used as a hacky sack."
4."DMX, please move your BMW."
3."Will Willie Nelson's manager please report to the freakout tent."
2."We hope you've enjoyed this three day festival of peace and love --now pick up your crap and get the hell out of here."

1."Ice Cube, please report to the frozen margarita tent."

Top Ten Answers To The Question, 'How Boring Was George W. Bush's Speech?' for February 28, 2001
10. It was so boring, the Secret Service changed his code name to "Sominex"
9. It was so boring, at the Lincoln Memorial, the statue of Abe Lincoln got up and left
8. It was so boring, halfway through C-SPAN switched over to an XFL game
7. It was so boring, Hugh Rodham fell asleep and missed two dinners
6. It was so boring, it was like having sex with Hillary
5. It was so boring, guys on death row were lethally injecting themselves
4. It was so boring, Florida voters held their breath until the state turned blue
3. It was so boring, Bill Clinton passed out in the stolen Barc-O-Lounger
2. It was so boring, CBS is adding it to their regular Wednesday night lineup

1. It was so boring, Monica got up from under the podium and left.

Top Ten April Fool's Pranks In Afghanistan for April 1, 2002
10. Short-sheeted burqas
9. A fake beard over your real beard
8. Saying you're wife #4, when you're really wife #2
7. Offering someone a can of peanut brittle and a goat jumps out
6. Painting giant bull's-eye on roof of friend's cave
5. Rocket launchers that shoot out little flag that reads "Bang"
4. Replacing secret stockpiles of weaponized Anthrax with Folger's Crystals
3. Writing "Wash me" on Osama's camel
2. Saying you support the Hamid Karzai government, but secretly supporting a warlord who has secretly begun to support the Taliban again, but then betraying the warlord, but then betraying the Karzai government and really supporting the warlord again

1. Writing "Wash me" on Osama

Top Ten Baseball Euphemisms For Sex for Sept. 20, 2001
10. Working the rosin bag
9. Comebacker
8. Charging the mound
7. Riding the pine
6. Jerking one into the seats
5. Coming from behind
4. Doubleheader
3. Going deep in the hole
2. The big unit

1. Visiting Busch Stadium

Top Ten Chapter Titles in George W. Bush's Autobiography for November 15, 1999
10. "'Nice To See You, Too': Things To Say To A World Leader WhoseName You Can't Remember"
9. "1971-1990: The Naked Years"
8. "'I'm A Go-Getter' and 'Compassionate Conservatism': The Art of theMeaningless Phrase"
7. Chapter 3 -- "I Love Cocaine"
6. Chapter 4 -- "I Deny There Was a Chapter Called 'I Love Cocaine'"
5. "Ideas: I'll Have Some By The End of My Second Term"
4. "Growing Up With a Mother Who Looks Like That Quaker Oats Guy"
3. "Check It Out! My Dad Ralphed On Some Chinese Dude!"
2. "My Proposal For Revitalizing... Dude, I Just Totally Forgot What IWas Saying"

1 "Yee Haw! I's Gonna Be Pars'dent!"

Top Ten Cool Things About Being The World's Oldest Man for June 06, 2000
10. You wouldn't believe how chicks flock when they hear you knew WilburWright
9. Low on denture cleaner -- call grandchildren and borrow theirs.
8. You're closing in on Denny's deal: "Guys over 150 eat free"
7. At this point, smoke all you damn well please
6. Look on someone's face when you tell them your Social Securitynumber is "8"
5. Weekly bridge games with world's tallest man and the guy with theridiculously long fingernails.
4. You're only human who can remember when Cubs didn't suck
3. Every year, get to host ABC's "New Year's Rockin' Eve"
2. Can call world's second oldest man, pretend you're dying, yell,"psych"

1. At high school reunion, you get the entire buffet to yourself

Top Ten Cool Things About Having Monkeypox for June 10, 2003
10. It's like smallpox but monkey-er
9. Monkeys have them, and everyone loves monkeys, no?
8. Most of your days spent picking nits out of your fur
7. You're automatically entered in the World Health Organization's raffle for a new 2003 Pontiac Vibe
6. Chills and fever-induced sweating will help you "beat the heat" all summer
5. Take a sip of a friend's Coke and say, "Oh yeah, I have monkeypox." That means free Coke!
4. You're able to eat bananas with your feet
3. A secure government quarantine facility is a great place to meet babes
2. Always exciting to hear a doctor say, "Dear God what the hell is that?"

1. People stare at your big red ass

Top Ten Cool Things About Winning A Gold Medal for Oct. 6, 2000
10. Makes you most impressive person at any party, unless Marion Jones shows up
9. When customs asks you if you have anything to declare, you can say, "Nothing--well if you don't count this genuine Olympic gold medal"
8. According to law, I'm automatically the next Governor of Minnesota
7. You can get, like, 100 bucks for it on eBay
6. In my case, it means you kicked some serious Russian butt
5. The instant marriage proposal from Darva Conger
4. Makes know-it-all brother-in-law's "Most Improved Bowler" trophy look pathetic
3. Fun walking past guys with bronze medals and muttering, "Loser"
2. Finally I have an excuse for why I've been rolling around on the floor with guys for the past 20 years

1. No tie? No problem

Top Ten Effects of Y2K as presented by James Earl Jones for December 31, 1999
10. Stuff's gonna 'splode.
9. The Big Dipper will fall out of the sky and kill a guy in Sweden.
8. Everyone's voice will suddenly sound exactly like mine.
7. Michael Jackson will finally look in the mirror and say, "My God,what the hell is wrong with me?"
6. There will be a new letter added to the English alphabet--"Ngeepee."
5. A computer glitch will force Bill Gates to pay off every American'scredit card.
4. No more answering the phone by saying: "Yello!"
3. Every kid will lose interest in that Pokemon crap.
2. Ricky Martin will become even more "mantastic."

1. Despite assurances from high-ranking officials that it could nothappen, refuting decades of conventional scientific wisdom, flying the inthe face of smug predictions by so-called experts, Kraft Macaroni & Cheesewill become even cheesier.

Top Ten Good Things About Having The Same Name As A Celebrity for May 19, 2003
10. Donald Trump: "I forward my credit card bills to him and the idiot actually pays them"
9. Bruce Willis: "My wife can say she saw Bruce Willis naked"
8. Tom Hanks: "Between the two of us, guys named 'Tom Hanks' have won a pair of Academy Awards"
7. Jennifer Lopez: "Who else gets to have 3am phone conversations with a drunken Ben Affleck?"
6. Brad Pitt: "Not only do we have the same name, we have the same abs" (guy lifts shirt)
5. Michael Jackson: "One check sent to the wrong address and I'm set for life"
4. Tom Cruise: "Wait, there's another Tom Cruise?"
3. Julia Roberts: "I can talk the Blockbuster guy into giving me a dollar off when I rent 'Erin Brockovich'"
2. Sean Connery: "I just nailed Julia Roberts in the green room"

1. Dave Letterman: "When people meet me, they say, 'Wow, you look much better in person'"

Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break for April 9, 1999
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS

9.Least-Jiggy Human

8.Sweatiest Palm

7.Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"

6.Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"

5.Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley

4.Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster

3.First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy

2.Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman

1.Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)

Top Ten Headlines We're Likely To See In The Next Four Years for December 13, 2000
10. "49 States Vote Florida Out Of Union"
9. "Supreme Court Justices Given Bitchin' Ferraris By Anonymous Texas Governor"
8. "W. Asked To Veto Bill...Bush Hires Guy Named 'Vito' To Beat Up Clinton"
7. "Cowboy Hat And Tennis Racket Stocks Soar"
6. "President Comes Away Empty-Handed From 'Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'"
5. "In Shortest State Of The Union Ever, President Declares, 'We Rock!'"
4. "Warren Christopher Turns 187"
3. "Dave And Oprah Letterman Honeymoon In Bahamas"
2. "Katherine Harris Returns To Job As Ramada Inn Cocktail Waitress"

1. "CNN, MSNBC, CNBC All Go Out Of Business Admitting 'We Got Nothin''"

Top Ten Items In Ronald McDonald's Y2K Bunker for November 16, 1999
10. Extra bottles of "Pantene for Freaks with Red Plastic Hair."
9. 255-gallon drum of fancy ketchup.
8. His "really Happy Meal" shoebox full of Xanax.
7. To heat bunker, 800-degree cup of McDonald's coffee.
6. Big stack of "Clown Hustler" magazine.
5. Hydroponic garden for growing extremely limp pickle slices.
4. To communicate with outside world, a tinny, unintelligibleloudspeaker.
3. Two chickens and one cow, enough for 50 years worth of McNuggets andburgers.
2. Billions and billions of women to serve him.

1. McCyanide capsules.

Top Ten Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List for December 15, 2000
10. Get fitted for an intern
9. Put favorite holiday decoration on front lawn: Santa in electric chair
8. Goodbye "Hail to the Chief" -- Hello "Messed Up In Mexico Living on Refried Dreams"
7. Tell Madeleine Albright, "Bill don't live here anymore -- stop the 2am calls"
6. Send Al Gore an FTD "Guess The Supreme Court Likes Me Better, Loser" bouquet
5. Figure out how to make eating squirrel acceptable -- them boys is tasty!
4. Do a little bipartisan work with Hillary, if you know what I mean
3. Tell Al Gore to keep his schedule clear in case things don't work out
2. Call Saddam Hussein, listen to the panic when he hears we got another "President Bush"

1. Thank Katherine Harris by sending her metric ton of mascara

Top Ten Jobs In The New Millennium for March 30, 1999
10. Assistant Fight Fixer, Don King Corp.

9. Medical Marijuana Product Quality Tester

8. Sign-Remover, Failed Starbucks Locations

7. NBA token white guy

6. NHL token black guy

5. Guy who puts "Intel Inside" stickers on every computer

4. Consultant, Hillary Clinton New Husband Search

3. Guy in charge of gathering sharp sticks after Y2K knocks us back to Stone Age

2. Producer of "Where Are They Now?" specials on David Letterman and Paul Shaffer

1. Human toy for Bill Gates

Top Ten Last Lines For David Hasselhoff's Character on Baywatch for February 28, 2000
10. "It's only been 29 minutes since I ate, but I think I'll go for a swim."
9. "Call doctor! Losing blood! Chest hair caught in out board motor!"
8. "Screw this -- I'm going to work for the Alan Keyes campaign."
7. "I just saw a dead fish that was, like, totally gross, so I'm quitting."
6. "What I'll miss most is the dedication of the crew -- well, that and all the naked girls with the nice breasts."
5. "Tell the kind people of Germany I love them."
4. "Don't worry, it's just a routine heart examination."
3. "I'm sorry to disappoint all my gay fans."
2. "You haven't heard the last of David Hasselhoff...oh wait, youprobably have."

1. "Bay, I won't be watching you anymore."

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Database last updated 7/7/2006.
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