|
ENGINEERS: Engineer Jokes This week is National Engineers Week in the U.S. The comments below demonstrate how little the public knows about engineers. Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? Q: What do engineers use for birth control? Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? You might be an engineer if: Choosing between buying flowers for yourwife and upgrading your RAM is a problem. You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of yourquestions. At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling. For your wife's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm Pilot. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the specialeffects. You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids toys. You see a good design, and have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and know how to use it. You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived. You window shop at Radio Shack. Your laptop computer cost more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've tried to repair a $5 radio. Engineer vs. the Manager A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the factis I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. Youmade a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solveyour problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were inbefore we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Real Engineers... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for theirbirthday. Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency".Not because they're lazy. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not theirown shirt size. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches,and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius,and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation witha dial tone or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimesa note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove myown car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space withtheir name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions)before making a bird bath. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of"Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. Sheep A hard working engineer finally took a vacation.While hiking in the mountains, he came upon a shepherd tending a flockof sheep. Taking a fancy to the sheep, he asked the shepherd, "IfI can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this request odd, but, knowing there was littlechance of guessing correctly, agreed. "You've got 287 sheep", the engineer said to the shepherd'sastonishment, since this was the correct number. The shepherd told the guy he'd guessed correctly and to go ahead andpick the sheep to take home. But as soon as the engineer picked up oneof the smaller animals, and started to carry it away, the shepherd said,"Wait a minute. You have to give me a chance, too. If I can guesswhat you do for a living, can I have that sheep back?' Figuring there was little chance the shepherd would guess correctly,the engineer went along...only to be shocked when the shepherd said, "Youare a engineer, right?" "How did you know?" asked the engineer. The shepherd said, "Put down the dog and we'll talk about it." This page contains 4 of 4 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |