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LAWYERS: 1,000 Valentine Cards A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Lawyer Questions Ah, mind-bending, analytical legal thinking... It is not unusual formy Civil Procedure professor to ask a question like, "What does theword 'the' really mean in this sentence?" Often, this type of questionwill spark a forty-five minute in-class debate... As a result, I can ALMOSTunderstand why a lawyer would ask the following questions: Taken from official court records nationwide, the following 20 questionswere actually asked by lawyers . . . 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything aboutit until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself? 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? 14) So you were gone until you returned? 15) Q: She had three children, right? 16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing astupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd liketo strike the next question." 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body? Married in Heaven On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. Saint Peter finally showed up and they asked him. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for two months ... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" Peter shouted, "it took me three months to find a preacher up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find two lawyers and a judge?" Wedding Bell Blues A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married 8 times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena. Her commentswere as follows: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!" "My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation." "My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up." "My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; those who can't...teach." "My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver." "My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method." "My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job." "My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it." The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing." The ninth husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!" and so... When she married her 10th husband she married a lawyer. She was so happy she told one of her girlfriends. "Now I know I'm really going to get screwed." This page contains 4 of 4 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |