OJ:

Heavenly Clocks
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says"I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea andgraciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, theobservation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clockruns out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why isthat?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in thecenter of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the storywith that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Surprising Things O.J. Said on the Witness Stand

As presented on the 01/15/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Sorry I'm late -- I was out golfing with the jury from thecriminal trial
9. From now on, call me The Murderer Formerly Known as O.J.
8. Me no comprendo the ingles, your honor
7. How about I plead guilty to jaywalking and make this whole thinggo away?
6. What kind of system is this -- I'm in court, and the New YorkJets are out walking the streets!
5. Those Bruno Magli shoes weren't mine -- I never wear anythingbut Easy Spirit pumps
4. Marcia Clark? Nailed er
3. Who do I have to kill to get a glass of water around here?
2. I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you...Oh, wait,I did get away with it

And the number one is . . .

1. I did it -- so sue me!

The O.J. Trial as told by Dr. Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
broken glass did cause that gash.

I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would, not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!

What's the difference?
What's the difference between Simba and O.J?

One's an African lion and the other is a lion African!!!!!!

Yo Momma's so Slutty
Yo momma's so slutty she's like potato chips, she is fri-to-lay!

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