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POLITICS: A Lesson in Politics Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure son, what's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand? Son: I’m not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his Father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his Father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. The next morning: Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics. Father: That's great Son, explain it to me in your own words. Son: Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit. A Liberal and a Genie A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney." A Little Misunderstanding! The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes hands of those near him and gets 'high five's'. The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I think that you misunderstood me - I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!" A Santa Recount Hello out there all people of the world. This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results. The first result showed: The second result showed: So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not. So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant. You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant. So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times. Santa Democrat Rules of Golf: 1. Democrats get to keep shooting until one gets par or an acceptable score. 2. Democrats are allowed to keep score by hand, Republicans are not allowed to keep score at all, the Democrats will appoint someone to keep score for them. 3. If a Republican shoots par or under par on a hole, a Democratic appointee will sue in Court to a Democratic appointed Judge that the score is invalid. 4. Holes for Democrats will be 3 ft in diameter (to allow less confusion); Republicans will use the regulation size holes. 5. If a shot is missed by a Democrat it will be counted if the Democrat intended it to go in, and can certify this by written statement to Rev. Jessie Jackson. 6. Scores by Democrats can be changed after the round, if they can prove one of the following: a) Trees were improperly placed on the course b) Wind speed was too strong c) Water was placed on the course in a way that confused the Democrat on club selection. Doctors An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in eight weeks". A German doctor said "that's nothing!". In Germany, "we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking forwork in four weeks". The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah!". We are about to take an asshole out of Texas or Tennessee, put him in the White House and have the whole damn country looking for work the very next day. God, Please send $100. A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the$100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much forsending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes. How To Be A Good Repubican 1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8 year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Bill Clinton's fault. 2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. 3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time. 4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs. 5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun. 6. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says. 7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor. 8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the deathpenalty. 9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. 10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit. 11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha. 12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands. 13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio. 14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. 15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out. 16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. 17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads. 18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher. New Florida State Mottoes 10. "Florida: We're... um... We'll Get Back to You on Our Slogan as Soon as Possible" 9. "Florida: It's Not the Size of the State That Matters, It's How You Use It." 8. "Florida: No Comprende Numeros" 7. "Florida: WE'RE NUMBER ONE!... Wait, Recount" 6. "Florida: This is What You Get for Taking Elian Away From Us" 5. "Florida: We're Sorry for All the Stupid Old People." 4. "Florida: What comes after 17,311?" 3. "Florida: We Don't Just Cheat in Football" 2. "Florida: We put the 'gator' in 'Election-Tampering Investigator.'" 1. "Florida: Don't Poll Us, We'll Pole You" NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task #1. We would not want youto get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "IndecisiveDay". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. Ten ten ways the White House will change with Lieberman as V.P. 10) Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.". 9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa." 8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese. 7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass. 6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke! 5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around. 4) U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads. 3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday. 2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach. 1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamedCarnegie Delhi. Ten things that could happen if an Orthodox Jew made it to the White House: 10. State of the Union address would end with an appeal 9. Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street from the White House 8. Traditional Easter egg hunt on White House lawn replaced with B'dikas Chometz (the removal of bread before Passover) 7. Secret Service and local vaad to discuss feasibility of enclosing White House and Capitol in an eruv 6. Visiting Israeli Diplomats will have to preorder trefe meals or risk having to eat glatt kosher with everyone else 5. Supreme court justices robes routinely checked for shatnez 4. Air Force One seats reconfigured to allow room for in-flight minyanim 3. First lady's inaugural gown comes with a matching snood 2. National Prayer breakfast to end with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi 1. Marine Corps and Army bands feverishly learning the latest simcha dance tunes! The Pig... Fidel Castro and his chauffeur were cruising along a country road in Las Villas one day when a pig ran out in front of their car. The chauffeur tried to avoid it, but couldn't, and the pig was killed. The dictator ordered the driver to go to the bohio (i.e., farmhouse) and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later the chauffeur staggered back to the jeep with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of rum in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?," asked Fidel. "Well," the chauffeur replied, "the guajiro (i.e., farmer) gave me the rum, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?," asked Fidel. The driver replied, "I said, 'I'm Fidel Castro's chauffeur, and I just killed the pig'." Ways in which a Gore-Lieberman White House will be different... 1) South Lawn Easter egg hunt replaced by afikomen search. 2) World's biggest Chanukah bush to be lit in December. 3) Good news: Two New Year's Celebrations! 3) Bad news: Second one limited to prayer and fasting. 4) Camp David moves to Catskills. 5) OUT: Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" 6) IN: Shlomo Carlebach's "Havenu Shalom Aleichem" 7) Whenever Saddam Hussein's name mentioned in National Security briefings, staff must loudly twirl noisemakers 8) Chances of creation of federal Louis Farrakhan holiday drop to nil. 9) Chances of Pat Buchanan ambassadorship drop even lower. 10) Air Force One now run by El-AL, serves only Kosher meals, and only plays Fiddler on The Roof. Why did the chicken cross the road? VICE PRESIDENT GORE GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH SENATOR LIEBERMAN SECRETARY CHENEY RALPH NADER PAT BUCHANAN JERRY FALWELL DR. SEUSS ERNEST HEMINGWAY MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. GRANDPA ARISTOTLE KARL MARX SADDAM HUSSEIN RONALD REAGAN CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK FOX MULDER FREUD BILL GATES EINSTEIN BILL CLINTON GEORGE BUSH LOUIS FARRAKHAN THE BIBLE COLONEL SANDERS YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF... You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two" You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. You think Huey Newton is a cookie. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs." You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school." You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie." You answer to "The Man." You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood." You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bertand Ernie of "sexual deviance." You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values." When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho." You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut." You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racismin America. You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." You've ever called education a luxury. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. You're afraid of the liberal media." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...." You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps,when they don't even have shoes. You confuse Lenin with Lennon. You forget to vote... for DEMOCRATS!!! Don't forget to Register!! GW BUSH: Another Anti-Terrorism Arrest. At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks." Bush Plays God A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Bush's Acceptance Speech (first draft) My fellow Americans, it's about f***ing time. All you liberals can just kiss my big, white Texas ass if you think I'm gonna spew a boatload of bipartisan bullshit. Let's set the record straight here. I won, dammit. Hell, I won FOUR OR FIVE TIMES, you stupid bastards. We got the Presidency, we got Congress, and by the end of four years we'll have even more of the Supreme Court. The Republicans are here, and we're gonna show you how it's done. Ya'll want me to reach across party lines now? How 'bout I reach across and bitch-slap all your sorry-liberal-monkey-asses? How'd ya like that? Don't get me wrong, here. The sense of satisfaction I'm feeling right now isn't that I've won-it's that I won't have to listen to Al Gore bitch and moan about "letting every vote count". The only reason this went as far as it did is because you Democrats have a playground crybaby as your poster-boy, and I for one am glad I won't have to see him on TV anymore. This might sound snippy, Mr. Gore, but as we used to say in the sandlot...LOSERS WALK!!! As I said in my campaign, I promised to be a president who focuses on education. My first task as President will be to start an educational program for all you Florida-idiots who can't tell your elbow from your asshole or how to poke a stylus through the right hole. I don't get you liberal Democrats: when we're talking about Bill Clinton and some office whore, you say that lack of penetration doesn't count; but when it comes to ballots, lack of penetration DOES count. You want a solution to this problem? Take some Viagra, you old farts, and finish what you started next election. Until then, I want to ask you just one question: "Who's yer daddy?" And so I humbly accept the office of President of these United States. Thank you. Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." This page contains 20 of 24 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |
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