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RELIGIOUS: "Food for thought..." Tashlich, (Rosh Ha'Shanna) People always want to know what type of bread to throw in the water...1. For ordinary sins, use - White Bread Actual Personals from Israeli Newspapers. Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,Shiva Asar, B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. Female graduate student, studying kaballah,Zohar,exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. An Email to the Wrong Wife After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Dearest wife, Your loving husband. Converting the Atheist An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said "it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I thank you for this food which I am about to receive." Eve and the Garden of Eden One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." Genesis updated And it came to pass after these things that God did test Avraham. And He said to him "Avraham!" And Avraham replied "Hineni - (here I am)" And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286 ; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows95, which I will show to you." And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows 95. Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 95 fromafar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I andthe lad will go yonder and load Windows 95 on our 286, and come againto you" And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together. And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham, his father, and said, "My father." And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son". And Yitzchak said,"Windows 95 requires far more memory than a 286 has, how will it possibly run on your machine?" And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trustand belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not Yitzchak, my son," God will provide the RAM." GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS: One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." Have Faith! Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or goto jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUSSAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,"Well,that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed thetwo ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed thenewsign which read.......... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00." How to stay Well. A recipe for health ... Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl filled with water. In the water floated a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped. But how could he mention the strange sight. When she returned with the tea and cookies, his curiosity overcame his embarrassment. "I wonder if you could tell me about the bowl you have on the organ", he said pointing at the strange floater. "Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was out walking last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease...and you know...I haven't had a cold all winter." Is Sex Work or Play? A lovelorn couple were engaged by the question: Is it OK to have sex on the day of Sabbath? (If sex were work, it would be forbidden.) The man went to the pastor and posed his question. After some thought, the pastor replied that sex was work. Not feeling satisfied with the lack of proper explanation (after all, the pastor was celibate, what could he know about sex?), he approached the vicar, who after pondering the question, agreed with the pastor. As a last resort, the man approached a rabbi with the same question: Is sex work or play? The rabbi, a man of the world, answered immediately, "Son, sex must definitely be play; for if it were work, my wife would have someone else do it for her." IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990), I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total (378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lbs) ,the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance (this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space- craft reentering the earth's atmosphere). The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion; If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. It Must be Kosher! A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos. Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal,including shrimp. The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?" Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand." The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food!" Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this Restaurant?" "Yes, I did," replied the Rabbi. "Did you see me order the food?" "Yes, I did" said the rabbi. "Did you see me eat the food?" "Of course I did!!! Why do you think I barged in here?" "Well, then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!" Jewish Steak What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan Man Who Orders Three Beers An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers." Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and onewent to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town were well-pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartenderpours them with a heavy heart. This continues; for the rest of the evening he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first, are sorry for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all...." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." Samurai Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only three people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Your majesty, circumcision is not intended to kill. The Friars and Florist Shop These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. The Top 10 Movies to Rent During Hanukkah: 10. Three Men and a Bubbie 9. A Few Good Menschen 8. The Cohenheads 7. The Rocky Hora Picture Show 6. Shalom Alone 5. Goyz 'N The Hood 4. A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda 3. The Wizard of Oys 2. Who Framed Roger Rabbi? 1. Prelude To A Briss The Top Ten Reasons Why Everyone Should Celebrate Hanukkah 10. No big, fat guy getting stuck in your chimney. 9. Cleaning wax off your menorah is slightly easier than dismantling an 8 foot-tall pine tree. 8. Compare: chocolate gelt vs. fruitcake. 7. You get to learn cool new words, like "Kislev" and "farshtoonkeneh." 6. No brutal let-down when you discover Santa Claus isn't real. 5. Your neighbors are unlikely to complain about how your menorah is blinding them senseless. 4. It's like a big reunion when everyone gathers at the Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve. 3. In a holiday character face-off, Judah Macabee could kick Frosty's butt. 2. No need to clean up big piles of reindeer poop off your roof. 1. None of that Naughty-Nice crap...everyone gets loot! The Truth Will Come Out Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House. The first business man says, "Hiroo-san, I Have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you." Hiroo-san can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hiroo-san. Your wife is dishonoring you, and she is doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith." Shocked, Hiroo-san decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith." She replies, "That's a lie, where did you hear such mishigass?" The Two Nuns What's the difference between a nun praying and a nun having a bath? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole! This page contains 20 of 49 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |
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