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SEX: Escaped Con An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're really cute!" "The Gift" A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." A Chicken and an Egg A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chickenis leaning against the head board smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" A Day at the Movies Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog." A guy walks into a bar . . . A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottled and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." A Pill A Day.. An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night." A Twist on Cinderella Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power!" said the fairy godmother, "What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...." An Expert Fisherman What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter An old man in Mississippi... An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.Old man yells out. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. And They're Off... Time: Midnight Distance: All the way Purse: $200.00, car keys, drivers license Weather: Very Drunk Track: Drippy Name / Odds Bare Belly 2-1 Passionate Lady 5-1 Conscience 100-1 Heavy Bosom 6-1 Cherry 3-1 Silk Panties 2-1 Clean Sheets 100-1 Big Dick 3-1 Thighs 5-1 Jockey Shorts 5-1 Favorites Douche Bag 1-1 THEY'RE OFF Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheetsat the back. Douche Bag is completely lost. AT THE RAIL It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in. Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and Conscienceis completely lost. AT THE TURN It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hardand Bare Belly is under terrific pressure. AT THE STRETCH Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome. AT THE FINISH Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's adead heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish. Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up the track. BEWARE: Strange Sex Disease A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known Oriental sex therapist. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose. “Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of the room. Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass. Cherry Anyone? There's this old lady. She's a 73 year old virgin. Well her crotch starts itching so bad she doesn't know what to do. So she goes to the doctor. The first doctor tells her well you have crabs. The old lady says that can't be.....I've never had sex. The doctor says well I'm sorry ma'm but that's what the test show. She says I want a second opinion. The second doctor has the same response. She said THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. So she went to another doctor. She told this doctor, I've been to two other doctors and they told me I had crabs. That can't be possible though because Im a virgin, she said. He said don't worry I'll find out what's wrong. He comes back with the results. Well there's good news and there's bad. The good news is, you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have FRUIT FLIES. Dating Ad A tall woman with goodreputation, who can cook froglegs, who can stand a little fu-ture fun at parties and froli-cking without getting serious.Alternatively, just read lines 1, 3 and 5. Father John's Saturday Night Bath It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and for the first time the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" Four kinds of sex HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. Gee, it's Dark in Here, Sir. A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes homeearly. To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet,the lover soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongsto, he discovers, the woman's young son. "Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy. "Geez, kid,please shut up," replied the nervous man. "Well, mister, I thinkI'm gonna scream." "Please, kid, don't scream." "CanI have some money?" asked the boy. "Well, here, here's five dollars,it's all I've got." The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressedon. "I really feel like screaming." "No, kid, look, here'sfifty dollars, just don't scream." "Well, I don't know""Here's the last of my money, just don't scream." The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his motherto a store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy itwith his new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source ofthis money. So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in tosee the local pastor in confession. "Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional,"it sure is dark in here." "Don't start that with me again,"said the priest. Goen to Town Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. "Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you're doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?" "Well Sheriff, it's a long story." "I ain't going nowhere," said the Sheriff. "Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started gettin' real close and cuddlin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did. He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town!' And, here I am Sheriff!" Government Research In today's climate of goverment downsizing, it is a wonder that goverment grants for useless studies are still being approved. Certainly, an unecessary waste of taxpayer dollars. Check out these studies: Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost in excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Italy decided to conduct their own study. The Italians didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of right around 2,800,000,000 lira (That's two billion, eight hundred million lira or $75 US), the Italian study reached a conclusion: The Italian study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead. Have Faith! Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or goto jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,"Well,that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed thetwo ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.Figuringhe had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed thenewsign which read.......... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00." Head Nurse How can you tell a head nurse from a desk nurse? The head nurse will have dirt on her knee`s. This page contains 20 of 55 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |
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