TRAVEL:

A Trip to Europe
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded "yes". After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and in return, he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," laughed the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Aliens vs the Gas Pump
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace"said the younger of the two. "Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross, and the older one spotted this. "I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one.

The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun,and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade. He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards into the desert.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy one, and shared some knowledge...

"There's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," he said, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, -- you don't mess with him."

Complaints and Problems, Quantas Pilots
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks", submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The Problem logged by the Pilot.
S = The Solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

How Do You Know You're In California?!!
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest Arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gasoline costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the US
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000,"
17. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20. You AND your dog have therapists, and they consult with each other.
How many Ethiopians...
How many Ethiopians can you fit a phone booth?

All of them!

Sad Irishman
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

STOP!!
What did the traffic light say to the zebra crossing?

Don't look I'm changing.

What do you call an Ethiopian...
What do you call an Ethiopian family picture?

A bar code!

What does 'tendjewberrymud' mean?
Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect). Its amazing, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for best email of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

You live in _____ when:
You live in California when:
  • You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

    You live in New York when:

  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  • You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • You think Central Park is "nature".
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their native language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You've worn out a car horn.
  • You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You live in Alaska when:

  • You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
  • Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • You have more than one recipe for moose.
  • Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You live in the South when:

  • You get a movie and bait in the same store.
  • "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
  • After a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya ?"
  • "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  • Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Fay Nell

    You live in Colorado when:

  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike a top your $500 car.
  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  • A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You live in the Midwest when:

  • You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at ?"
  • When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different".

    This page contains 10 of 10 matching records.
    There are 795 records on file as of Sun 09/05/10 18:56 PDT.
    Database last updated 7/7/2006.

    Back to Giggle Land