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WORK: Achieving 103% Performance at Managemnet Request! We have all been to those management meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future! What makes life 100% ?? IF,
Then, H A R D W O R K K N O W L E D G E But, A T T I T U D E and ........................................ B U L L S H I T Christmas Party TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at the Radisson Hotel and Suites. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Patty Lewis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Terri Bishop Collecting Unemployment Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher." "I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter." Firing Quandary An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache." Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign? 1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2) SALES 3) TECHNOLOGY 4) ENGINEERING 5) ACCOUNTING 6) HUMAN RESOURCES 7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT 8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT 9) CUSTOMER SERVICE 10) CONSULTANT 11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" 12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO 13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Looking For Work? My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef-figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have enough patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; and I tried, but I just didn't fit. I became a professional fisherman, but soon discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I did manage to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. Then I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was let go because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for that job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was often shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. Professions Three guys and a woman were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know young, urban, professional, polite, intelligent, ecologist. "The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know Double income, no kids. "The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B, you know...Rich,Urban, Biker. "They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you?" She replies, "I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..." Tips For Managers and Bosses 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus you received on being such a good manager. 12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. TOP 20 Sayings We'd Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
Work Prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I cannot accept,and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also,help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work.......... Please help me to remember that when I'm having a bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me! YOU KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE 90's IF... You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations. Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You learn about your layoff on the news. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Communication is something your section is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital." You're already late on the work task you just got. You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check. "Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers". Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them. You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer. You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device. During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members. "Shopping" is something you do in the duty-free. You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes. You read this entire list and understood it. This page contains 11 of 11 matching records. Back to Giggle Land |